...

I signed up because I needed someone to tell my secrets to.  I needed to air out the things I could not tell the people around me, because I could not face the judgments that they would make.

When I was younger I dreamt of being a writer, or a painter...anything in the way of a profession that would offer me the comfort of being remembered.  I wanted to create something that I could leave behind that others could see or hold and think of me.  I've now come to realize that although I possess the minimum talent necessary for either that I lack the discipline required for both.  It has become clear that I rarely have the attention span to finish most of what I start these days.

The last (and only) time I wrote I spoke of a death.  I'm finding it strange how significant that one person's dying has been to my life.  She was my German Aunt, my Tante, but we were not truly related in the sense that she was not my mother's or my father's sister.  Somewhere in the 50+ years that our families have known one another we became related.  She was always there, presented to us children as family.  It was an unproven  fact that none of us ever thought to question.  Now that she is gone I have come to realize the importance of that connection, of that history.  It's because of those things that she'll be remembered. 

Her death has somehow managed to shake something loose inside of me.  Up is still up and down is still down, but nothing is quite the same.  It feels as though everything has been moved just slightly to the left, or perhaps it's the right (I can't be certain) and now nothing quite lines up the way it did before.  There is something, some revelation, that keeps circling round and round in my head, but I can't seem to put my finger on it.  I can't hold it still long enough to figure out what it means.  It's like having the answer to a question right on the tip of your tongue, but you can't get it in focus so the answer escapes you.  That's how this feels, for days now, weeks even...the only thing I feel is uncertainty.  In myself, in my life, in my goals...I'm finding it hard to be sure about anything.  And although I'm positive that whatever this is holds great importance, possibly even a valuable life lesson all I really want is for everything to go back to the way it was.  I'm just not sure it ever will...         



 

Not the best week ever!

So...I'm definitely not having the best week. I fried my modem last Thursday...which forced me to live without Facebook for 4 days (laugh if you want, but I don't get out much these days).  The credit card people keep calling...I had kind of expected that though, seeing as I haven't given them any money in two or three months now...I really don't know what else to tell them...(it's a really long and boring story that started about the time I divorced my ex-husband some years back...)

Tuesday I found out that my daughter needs "remediation" in math, science, and reading...for those of you that don't know (because I didn't until someone told me) "remediation" is the new word for tutoring...doesn't the use of a new word make you feel so much better about the fact that your child is struggling in 3 out of the 4 core courses in school????   And to top it all off someone I loved very much died yesterday morning. 

I can't say that her passing was unexpected (she'd been admitted into the hospital a few days before after suffering a coronary followed by a massive brain bleed)...but what I can say is that I wasn't expecting her to die. (Denial is one of my few truly perfect gifts).  I was expecting a normal-get-up-and-go-about-my-business type of day where nothing even resembling remarkable happens.  What really stinks about the whole thing is that I was on my way out the door when I got the phone call telling me she was gone  I don't know if I would have actually gone to the hospital first that day, but I was planning to go eventually (I'm not good with hospitals, but I did love her, and I did want to see her).  I think I mostly wanted to go and say good-bye in person - when she could still maybe have heard my voice.  Now I'm left with:

"Sadness, guilt, regret, and grief...crap I don't have enough rice for dinner tonight...I'm really going to miss her...the dogs are out of food....then back to sadness, guilt, regret, and grief....oh wonderful, what does my nosy neighbor want now??" 

That's how it feels and sounds in my head.  I'm still not really sure what to do with these feelings.  I very much feel like I'm on a roller-coaster...and it's not the happy kind either that leaves you screaming with laughter...it's more like the flip you up-side down, stop abruptly, and then spin backwards at 80 MPH making you lose your lunch all over the guy beside you kind.  So far, it's not all the great and I'd really like to get off...and of course because my beloved "aunt" died now my mother is coming, and she'll be here tomorrow...fantastic! (For those of you that didn't get it...that was sarcasm....)