I signed up because I needed someone to tell my secrets to. I needed to air out the things I could not tell the people around me, because I could not face the judgments that they would make.
When I was younger I dreamt of being a writer, or a painter...anything in the way of a profession that would offer me the comfort of being remembered. I wanted to create something that I could leave behind that others could see or hold and think of me. I've now come to realize that although I possess the minimum talent necessary for either that I lack the discipline required for both. It has become clear that I rarely have the attention span to finish most of what I start these days.
The last (and only) time I wrote I spoke of a death. I'm finding it strange how significant that one person's dying has been to my life. She was my German Aunt, my Tante, but we were not truly related in the sense that she was not my mother's or my father's sister. Somewhere in the 50+ years that our families have known one another we became related. She was always there, presented to us children as family. It was an unproven fact that none of us ever thought to question. Now that she is gone I have come to realize the importance of that connection, of that history. It's because of those things that she'll be remembered.
Her death has somehow managed to shake something loose inside of me. Up is still up and down is still down, but nothing is quite the same. It feels as though everything has been moved just slightly to the left, or perhaps it's the right (I can't be certain) and now nothing quite lines up the way it did before. There is something, some revelation, that keeps circling round and round in my head, but I can't seem to put my finger on it. I can't hold it still long enough to figure out what it means. It's like having the answer to a question right on the tip of your tongue, but you can't get it in focus so the answer escapes you. That's how this feels, for days now, weeks even...the only thing I feel is uncertainty. In myself, in my life, in my goals...I'm finding it hard to be sure about anything. And although I'm positive that whatever this is holds great importance, possibly even a valuable life lesson all I really want is for everything to go back to the way it was. I'm just not sure it ever will...
