What are "missed connections?" I keep finding myself browsing through the listings on various websites reading through the ridiculous and helpless posting people send out into cyber abyss that our Internet has become.
Has a relationship ever formed from one of these postings?? Or are these people simply looking for a shameless one night stand? Still, I find myself drawn back to them at least once a week. I just can't seem to help myself from wondering....what are these people really looking for?? And what are earth are they really hoping to find?
I've been doing some internal searches of late...trying to find some "missed connections" of my own; within myself. So far I've come up with a whole lot of nothing and "what ifs." But I continue to search nonetheless.
When I was young(er) I had this overwhelming feeling that somehow I was different. Somehow I stood out, thought differently, or ...or that maybe, just maybe I was meant for greater things. So far none of those feelings have panned out either, but I'm optimistic that there's still hope for me.
Missed Connections huh? Well I'd say that I've had more than my fair share of those. I missed my career connection somewhere back in college. I missed my relationship connection along about the time I got divorced. I've even managed to miss several friendship connections over the years...or at the very least I've severed a few trying to hide-out from the prying eyes and minds of the people that "knew me way back when." It seems I'm on a path to nowhere lately...and I can't seem to find my way off. I'm not even totally sure how I got here...just one more "missed connection" I'm sure......
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Until today...
Up until today I wore a ring on the third finger of my left hand. I say the third finger because some people don't really consider the thumb a "finger." The ring itself meant nothing. I put it on 5 years ago when my wedding ring came off. My finger felt funny naked so I replaced my wedding band with a plan little silver ring. My grandmother gave it to me several years ago, and I had never really looked twice at it. At the time it seemed to fit the need I had for it.
I wore that ring for years after. At first as a filler for my missing band, then later as a decoy so others wouldn't know I was single. Finally I kept it on because I thought I'd found a new love, but marriage seemed out of reach. So I wore the ring to symbolize...something.
Today I removed the ring from my finger for good. There is no point to it. My finger will not fall off without it, and if the "love" I thought were so right and good there would be a ring to replace it by now. But there is not. So I embrace the nakedness of all my fingers. There is no meaning in a symbol that means nothing...and there is no point in pretending something stands for something it is not.
I wore that ring for years after. At first as a filler for my missing band, then later as a decoy so others wouldn't know I was single. Finally I kept it on because I thought I'd found a new love, but marriage seemed out of reach. So I wore the ring to symbolize...something.
Today I removed the ring from my finger for good. There is no point to it. My finger will not fall off without it, and if the "love" I thought were so right and good there would be a ring to replace it by now. But there is not. So I embrace the nakedness of all my fingers. There is no meaning in a symbol that means nothing...and there is no point in pretending something stands for something it is not.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
How is it even possible...
How is it that everything is automatically my fault?? I posted something pertaining to this on Facebook a little while ago and a (female) friend actually responded with "Because you're female..." Really??
So because I have a uterus all of the crap that happens, the fights my significant other and I have, all of it, everything...is my fault?? Sounds like BS to me... I am far from being a feminist, I think that everyone is entitled to think and feel whatever makes them comfortable...mostly, but this...this "the woman is always wrong and to blame shit" is really making me want to rethink some of my core beliefs.
It's probably nothing...and I am intelligent enough to know that not everything is my fault...I don't even have control over most of what happens in my everyday life so it couldn't possibly be my fault. And I suppose, as far as the fight goes, blaming me was probably just a battle strategy...but still...the whole thing has made me think and reflect back on other fights and other happenings...
So because I have a uterus all of the crap that happens, the fights my significant other and I have, all of it, everything...is my fault?? Sounds like BS to me... I am far from being a feminist, I think that everyone is entitled to think and feel whatever makes them comfortable...mostly, but this...this "the woman is always wrong and to blame shit" is really making me want to rethink some of my core beliefs.
It's probably nothing...and I am intelligent enough to know that not everything is my fault...I don't even have control over most of what happens in my everyday life so it couldn't possibly be my fault. And I suppose, as far as the fight goes, blaming me was probably just a battle strategy...but still...the whole thing has made me think and reflect back on other fights and other happenings...
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
...
I signed up because I needed someone to tell my secrets to. I needed to air out the things I could not tell the people around me, because I could not face the judgments that they would make.
When I was younger I dreamt of being a writer, or a painter...anything in the way of a profession that would offer me the comfort of being remembered. I wanted to create something that I could leave behind that others could see or hold and think of me. I've now come to realize that although I possess the minimum talent necessary for either that I lack the discipline required for both. It has become clear that I rarely have the attention span to finish most of what I start these days.
The last (and only) time I wrote I spoke of a death. I'm finding it strange how significant that one person's dying has been to my life. She was my German Aunt, my Tante, but we were not truly related in the sense that she was not my mother's or my father's sister. Somewhere in the 50+ years that our families have known one another we became related. She was always there, presented to us children as family. It was an unproven fact that none of us ever thought to question. Now that she is gone I have come to realize the importance of that connection, of that history. It's because of those things that she'll be remembered.
Her death has somehow managed to shake something loose inside of me. Up is still up and down is still down, but nothing is quite the same. It feels as though everything has been moved just slightly to the left, or perhaps it's the right (I can't be certain) and now nothing quite lines up the way it did before. There is something, some revelation, that keeps circling round and round in my head, but I can't seem to put my finger on it. I can't hold it still long enough to figure out what it means. It's like having the answer to a question right on the tip of your tongue, but you can't get it in focus so the answer escapes you. That's how this feels, for days now, weeks even...the only thing I feel is uncertainty. In myself, in my life, in my goals...I'm finding it hard to be sure about anything. And although I'm positive that whatever this is holds great importance, possibly even a valuable life lesson all I really want is for everything to go back to the way it was. I'm just not sure it ever will...
When I was younger I dreamt of being a writer, or a painter...anything in the way of a profession that would offer me the comfort of being remembered. I wanted to create something that I could leave behind that others could see or hold and think of me. I've now come to realize that although I possess the minimum talent necessary for either that I lack the discipline required for both. It has become clear that I rarely have the attention span to finish most of what I start these days.
The last (and only) time I wrote I spoke of a death. I'm finding it strange how significant that one person's dying has been to my life. She was my German Aunt, my Tante, but we were not truly related in the sense that she was not my mother's or my father's sister. Somewhere in the 50+ years that our families have known one another we became related. She was always there, presented to us children as family. It was an unproven fact that none of us ever thought to question. Now that she is gone I have come to realize the importance of that connection, of that history. It's because of those things that she'll be remembered.
Her death has somehow managed to shake something loose inside of me. Up is still up and down is still down, but nothing is quite the same. It feels as though everything has been moved just slightly to the left, or perhaps it's the right (I can't be certain) and now nothing quite lines up the way it did before. There is something, some revelation, that keeps circling round and round in my head, but I can't seem to put my finger on it. I can't hold it still long enough to figure out what it means. It's like having the answer to a question right on the tip of your tongue, but you can't get it in focus so the answer escapes you. That's how this feels, for days now, weeks even...the only thing I feel is uncertainty. In myself, in my life, in my goals...I'm finding it hard to be sure about anything. And although I'm positive that whatever this is holds great importance, possibly even a valuable life lesson all I really want is for everything to go back to the way it was. I'm just not sure it ever will...
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Not the best week ever!
So...I'm definitely not having the best week. I fried my modem last Thursday...which forced me to live without Facebook for 4 days (laugh if you want, but I don't get out much these days). The credit card people keep calling...I had kind of expected that though, seeing as I haven't given them any money in two or three months now...I really don't know what else to tell them...(it's a really long and boring story that started about the time I divorced my ex-husband some years back...)
Tuesday I found out that my daughter needs "remediation" in math, science, and reading...for those of you that don't know (because I didn't until someone told me) "remediation" is the new word for tutoring...doesn't the use of a new word make you feel so much better about the fact that your child is struggling in 3 out of the 4 core courses in school???? And to top it all off someone I loved very much died yesterday morning.
I can't say that her passing was unexpected (she'd been admitted into the hospital a few days before after suffering a coronary followed by a massive brain bleed)...but what I can say is that I wasn't expecting her to die. (Denial is one of my few truly perfect gifts). I was expecting a normal-get-up-and-go-about-my-business type of day where nothing even resembling remarkable happens. What really stinks about the whole thing is that I was on my way out the door when I got the phone call telling me she was gone I don't know if I would have actually gone to the hospital first that day, but I was planning to go eventually (I'm not good with hospitals, but I did love her, and I did want to see her). I think I mostly wanted to go and say good-bye in person - when she could still maybe have heard my voice. Now I'm left with:
"Sadness, guilt, regret, and grief...crap I don't have enough rice for dinner tonight...I'm really going to miss her...the dogs are out of food....then back to sadness, guilt, regret, and grief....oh wonderful, what does my nosy neighbor want now??"
That's how it feels and sounds in my head. I'm still not really sure what to do with these feelings. I very much feel like I'm on a roller-coaster...and it's not the happy kind either that leaves you screaming with laughter...it's more like the flip you up-side down, stop abruptly, and then spin backwards at 80 MPH making you lose your lunch all over the guy beside you kind. So far, it's not all the great and I'd really like to get off...and of course because my beloved "aunt" died now my mother is coming, and she'll be here tomorrow...fantastic! (For those of you that didn't get it...that was sarcasm....)
Tuesday I found out that my daughter needs "remediation" in math, science, and reading...for those of you that don't know (because I didn't until someone told me) "remediation" is the new word for tutoring...doesn't the use of a new word make you feel so much better about the fact that your child is struggling in 3 out of the 4 core courses in school???? And to top it all off someone I loved very much died yesterday morning.
I can't say that her passing was unexpected (she'd been admitted into the hospital a few days before after suffering a coronary followed by a massive brain bleed)...but what I can say is that I wasn't expecting her to die. (Denial is one of my few truly perfect gifts). I was expecting a normal-get-up-and-go-about-my-business type of day where nothing even resembling remarkable happens. What really stinks about the whole thing is that I was on my way out the door when I got the phone call telling me she was gone I don't know if I would have actually gone to the hospital first that day, but I was planning to go eventually (I'm not good with hospitals, but I did love her, and I did want to see her). I think I mostly wanted to go and say good-bye in person - when she could still maybe have heard my voice. Now I'm left with:
"Sadness, guilt, regret, and grief...crap I don't have enough rice for dinner tonight...I'm really going to miss her...the dogs are out of food....then back to sadness, guilt, regret, and grief....oh wonderful, what does my nosy neighbor want now??"
That's how it feels and sounds in my head. I'm still not really sure what to do with these feelings. I very much feel like I'm on a roller-coaster...and it's not the happy kind either that leaves you screaming with laughter...it's more like the flip you up-side down, stop abruptly, and then spin backwards at 80 MPH making you lose your lunch all over the guy beside you kind. So far, it's not all the great and I'd really like to get off...and of course because my beloved "aunt" died now my mother is coming, and she'll be here tomorrow...fantastic! (For those of you that didn't get it...that was sarcasm....)
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